DEPRESSION: MY STORY

Hardest Thing I've Ever Written

Today is 'World Mental Health Day' so I wanted to share my story of what it feels like to live with depression. This blog is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever written and I'm not going to lie there may be parts that are difficult to read, however I wanted to share my journey from the initial diagnosis, through to learning to live with depression, and the realities of how it feels in the moments when your feel trapped inside the deepest, darkest, abyss of your own mind.

Initial Diagnosis

I was first diagnosed with depression in 2013 when one day I was inexplicably unable to get out of bed. It was a normal day, much like any other, I was lying next to my wife, and I just couldn't stop crying, I couldn't get myself up, and I couldn't understand why. Whenever I thought about the fact that I needed to get out of bed to go to work I felt a wave of sadness wash over me and my entire body felt numb and lifeless. This wasn't anxiety or stress, I was perfectly happy in my job (in fact I was happy in all facets of life), this was an intense sadness that I had never felt before and without anything obvious consciously affecting my mind. At this point my wife and I knew that I had a problem.

I made an appointment to see my local doctor. To this day I remember being sat in a busy doctor's waiting room staring down at the floor with tears streaming down my face. Eventually the door opened and my name was called. I walked into the room, sat on the chair, managed to muster the words "I don't think I'm very well" and then began sobbing uncontrollably. I remember feeling deeply ashamed and confused, but mostly feeling grateful to have my wife there by my side while I tried to explain the unexplainable to my doctor.

Most of the conversation with the doctor was a blur. Time seemed to stop and yet fly-by at the same time. I was an emotional wreck. I don't remember the entire conversation but there are certain moments I will never forget. I remember being asked if there was anything that could be triggering such a strong emotional response and I remember trying to frantically make sense of how I could be feeling so down when I had always been such an optimistic, positive person, and everything in my life was in such a good place. I remember explaining that we'd not long had our first child, I had a good job, a great relationship, close friends, there was no trauma or aspect of my life that could be conceivably contributing to me feeling like shit. And yet I did. I also remember the doctor asking if this feeling occurred suddenly or gradually and not being able to answer the question. At the time it felt sudden, like it had come from nowhere, but with the benefit of hindsight I think that the condition had probably begun a long time beforehand and had gradually declined over time until it reached an extreme that would force me to notice. Finally I remember the worst question of all "have you had any suicidal thoughts"?

This sounds like a simple question to answer, but in fact it couldn't be more complicated, particularly in that moment of extreme emotional state and particularly while sat in front of my wife. This was the moment that I had to explain that I had been having repetitive suicidal

visions. There was absolutely no intent, in fact I didn't even want to be having these thoughts, I couldn't control them, they would just appear.

When an intense wave of sadness would hit I would find myself being overwhelmed by a vision of me being stood on the edge of a huge iconic bridge, not dissimilar to Brooklyn Bridge in New York. The same thing would happen each time, I would climb up onto the edge of the bridge, stand for a moment, pull myself together, then give an eerie smile before jumping to my death.

I had no intention at all of committing suicide but I could not control these disturbing extreme visions from entering my mind when at my lowest point. I remember trying to explain this to the doctor. I remember my wife holding my hand. And I remember seeing tears rolling down her face.

The doctor explained that I had depression and that what I was describing was actually fairly common and the medical term for these visions was 'intrusive thoughts'. Now that I'm more self-aware I think it's probably an element of my brain trying desperately to gain some kind of control of the situation. In some twisted way, knowing that I could end this sadness, this distress, is my brain's way of trying to provide comfort, but in reality there is absolutely no comfort in anyone repetitively imagining taking their own life. It's truly harrowing.

I was signed off work for two-weeks, instructed to go back to see him in one-week's time, and told that if I needed any more support to call immediately. I was also given a list of numbers I could call if the situation ever got to the point where I urgently needed someone to talk to.

On the way home from the doctors I called my mum and explained everything.

Learning to Live with Depression

For the first year I struggled to understand or accept my depression. By this time I had been to a number of general counselling sessions where the counsellor's line of questioning seemed to focus on understanding 'why' I was feeling depressed. This was a line of questioning that only sought to make me feel more confused and frustrated because I didn't have an answer. Thankfully due to my own personal curiousity I carried out some research online, and one day I came across an article by Stephen Fry that resonated with me in a way that immediately provided a sense of relief, a sense of understanding, and provided a completely different lens through which I considered my depression.

Stephen Fry noted that he had been asked on a number of occasions "with your wealth, fame, and accolades, what have you got to be depressed about"? His response was simply that the question itself doesn't make sense. It lacks an understanding of what depression actually is. Depression is simply an illness.

Fry then illustrated his point by saying that when asking the question "with all of this success why do you have depression" think about how little sense it would make if you replaced the word 'depression' with any other illness, like 'cancer'. No-one would ask the question "with all of this success why do you have cancer"? Everyone would understand that cancer is an illness, a disease, it does not discriminate, it simply exists and affects all kinds of people. Depression is the same, it is an illness, a cancer of the mind.

This simple acknowledgement that depression is an illness had a hugely positive impact for me. I had been battling for so long to understand how I could possibly be depressed when everything in my life was so positive but by thinking of depression as just an illness, a disease, or a chemical imbalance in the brain, I was suddenly able to accept my condition. As I no longer felt the need to understand 'why' I was feeling depressed I was able to focus my energy on 'how' to manage my condition better. I changed my treatment on that basis, immediately stopping my general counselling and starting the process of enrolling for a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course instead.

CBT is a really useful tool. It is another subtle mindset shift that helps to deal with living with depression, but through conversation with my counsellor I was also able to pose and answer some questions which once again changed the way I viewed my depression.

Prior to my CBT counselling I had been plagued by two distinct but related thoughts:

1. How deranged is my brain that I'm having suicidal visions that I can't control?

2. People commit suicide. How do I make sure I'm not on that path?

I was lucky that I had a CBT counsellor who was patient, calm, reflective and ultimately had a majorly positive impact on me. When I mentioned that I was having trouble sleeping because I found myself traumatised not just by the visions of my suicidal ideation but also by what it might mean, my counsellor helped me to get to a position of calm, understanding, and acceptance.

The first thing he helped me to realise is that absolutely everyone has thoughts that they can't control and at times are ashamed of. My counsellor then provided me with a list of items that people had imagined doing; some people may think about hitting someone who pushes in front of them in a queue, some people fantasise about crashing their car on the way to work, a small percentage of people surveyed had even imagined pushing an annoying family member in front of a train. The point is that these are all just thoughts. These throw-away thoughts occur inside everyone all of the time. Of course they range in terms of how extreme they can be, but what is important is to distinguish between what is a sub-conscious throw-away thought, and what is a conscious thought with intent and as I had absolutely zero intent I had nothing to worry about.

The second point that my counsellor helped me to realise is that I am an optimist. This is huge. Sadly I can have some extremely dark days with my depression but ultimately I'm a positive, optimistic, person with a lust for life. This means that even in my deepest, darkest moments I will still have a tendency to think that 'tomorrow I'll feel better'. Having an inbuilt light at the end of the tunnel is an extremely useful tool when everything feels dark. The people that are of most concern are pessimists in this situation because at the very depths of despair they do not see a light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness and a lack of hope is what causes people to take extreme and desperate measures.

These two points were huge to my rationalisation of why I had nothing to worry about and once I had this perspective ingrained in my thoughts I was immediately able to sleep better at night, but CBT offered so much more than these two realisations. CBT recognises the relationship between a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours and how by addressing each area of this triangle a person can learn to recognise and adapt their thoughts, feelings and behaviours to create a more positive outcome. For example when feeling depressed it can be easy to view everything with a negative lens and to start 'catastrophising' scenarios, imagining the worst possible outcome to every given situation. CBT teaches you to recognise that these traits are occurring and to break that negative cycle.

So since I was diagnosed with depression in 2013 I've had general counselling, CBT counselling, and I've had a range of different medications. I've also obviously had the benefit of more time and experience of living with the condition so I'm much more self-aware of the triggers and symptoms and how to deal with the condition.

Current Situation

2019 was an extremely difficult year for me which massively impacted my mental health. On 5th May 2019 my father passed away after 14 months of struggling with brain and heart related issues. The grief that followed was extreme but after a long period of depression and some particularly dark moments I felt like I eventually came out of the situation a stronger, more resilient person.

I've never been a superstitious person but when 2019 ended I was glad to see the back of it and to have a fresh start in 2020... and then came the coronavirus pandemic. I've had a couple of points during the coronavirus pandemic where I've succumbed to depression, including recently (when combined with an illness and what would have been my dad's birthday, as well as getting his house ready to sell), however I'm not going to beat myself up about it because considering the circumstances I've been generally depression-free for a large proportion of this year and have even taken the decision (alongside my doctor) to stop taking my anti-depressants. The last couple of weeks have been a blip but I'm starting to feel like myself again. Fingers crossed we will see some light at the end of the 'covid-tunnel' soon as I know that I'm not alone in feeling the strain sometimes during these challenging times. We all just need to be better at giving ourselves a little leeway.

Final Thoughts

All of the above may seem bleak but actually that isn't the intention or indeed the key message I have taken from this experience, in fact quite the opposite is true. Life can be difficult and living with depression is challenging but it isn't the be-all and end-all. It doesn't define who I am. It is a minor speed bump in an otherwise truly amazing journey. I love my life. Every day I feel blessed. I have a wife I adore, three young boys who are incredible, a job I enjoy, I live in an area of natural beauty and I am blessed with many close friends (some of which I've known for over 30 years) who are an extended part of my family.

I have bad days, and bad periods with depression but that isn't who I am. I am a positive, optimistic, fun-loving person who loves being around other people and loves new experiences and new challenges.

What I have learnt is that I need to accept that there will be moments in my life where I struggle, but that is all they are, moments. A speck of dust on an otherwise beautiful artwork.

For anyone struggling with mental health related issues, or if you are worried about someone you know below is a link to a list of mental health charities and organisations:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Please look after yourselves, take a moment to look after others, and be kind. You never know what's going on inside someone else's mind...

Big Love

Rob